Talking for a Change
Relationship Counseling specializing in Couples 55 and over.
A New World, New Challenges
There has never been as large a cohort of people 55 and over who are healthy; physically active; economically self sufficient; and less encumbered by cultural expectations of race, sex, gender and age.
Many couples in this group want relationships and marriages that are more intimate, more communicative, more equal, more emotional; and more physically satisfying than the relationships that their parents modeled for them.
Often, the strategies that formally brought success in work, family, and relationships in general are no longer as functional as they used to be. And there aren’t enough good role models for handling this new world.
As a member of this group myself, and looking to help solve the above challenges, I set out for solutions.
I have been trained in the methods of Terry Real and Relational Life Therapy, and I developed a set of practices that I call “Talking for a Change,” because significant change is the objective.
As one client put it when I asked her about what she wanted from counseling:
“I don’t want to separate or start a new primary relationship, but after 30 years of marriage, I wish we had more intimacy, more fun, and better communication. I wish things were just lighter between us… “
You don’t have to be in a crisis to benefit and enjoy improving your relationship.
About me
When I was a young kid in Elementary School, I would feign illness (heating the thermometer with a glass of hot water or deep, practiced coughing) to stay home and listen to soap operas on the radio. I thought I was learning about real, adult relationships.
My fascination with psychology and relationships continued as I got older. I studied psychology, sociology, and social psychology in college and grad school. In my late twenties, I led Encounter Groups and was mentored by some of the leaders at National Training Laboratories (NTL). I have counseled hundreds of students and their families.
I helped start a school that is still flourishing after 50 years.
I have four children and six grandchildren. I have been a very good husband, and a very poor one. I have been a very good father most of the time, and I have also made some big mistakes. I am very interested in working with couples who have children to help sort out any issues related to child rearing.
In my seventies, I was a pretty good grandfather, watching kids in NYC once a week for ten years. I have been married for 30 years.
Formal Background: Teacher, Counselor, Social Psychology Program Designer
Trained Relational/Couples Coach (Relational Life Institute – Terry Real) Teacher (Elementary School through Graduate School
Trained Smart Recovery Facilitator.
Education and Social Psychology Program Designer and Teacher – Teachers College (Columbia University), University of North Dakota, Manhattanville University
Managed Human Resources at Masters School, Riverdale Country School, and International House, NYC
MBA (Organizational Development and Finance) Univ. of North Carolina, Chapel Hill
Some Basic Terry Real Ideas
- You can be “right” or you can be married, not both.
- Complaining is the worst behavior modification strategy ever devised. You can’t change other people, you can only change yourself.
- Love involves equals. One of you can’t be “One up” and the other, “One down.”
- Increased intimacy is the goal. You can’t be intimate without being vulnerable. You can’t be both vulnerable and “safe” at the same time.
Benefits of Couples Counseling/Learning
Most research shows that 70 percent of couples benefit from couples counseling, and 30 percent do not. Let’s make sure you are in the former group. Research shows that about 30 percent of couples can solve their issues on their own, and that the longer couples delay counseling, the less successful they tend to be at resolving issues on their own.
- We will quickly identify some of the “Losing Strategies” that you are both using it in your relationship, so you should quickly see some improvement in your relationship.
- Each of you will have the opportunity to fully express yourself and be listened to in a dialogue with each other, guided by an experienced third person.
- Our time together will be the most cost effective investment you can make in your individual and relationship happiness. The cost will be less than you pay for an experienced math tutor for a child or a personal trainer for yourself.
- Your primary relationship will improve. Maybe not as much as you want, but it will improve.
- You will learn strategies that will help you be more relational in other aspects of your life.
- Your “Hour” will last 60 minutes, not 50.
- If you have children, your children will become happier.
- We will work together for months, not years.
- You won’t have to become better looking, fitter, or richer to have a better primary relationship.
My Approach - Teaching and Learning, Not Conventional Therapy
We were born to be relational – a story of nature and nurture. We first learned how to use our innate relational skills in our families, then in school, and then in our work. Sometimes, often, these were not the best places to learn to be relational. Sometimes we learned how to relate in one setting, and then we found out those rules didn’t work in other settings.
I am not offering to “fix” you or your partner; I am offering to work with you and your partner to improve your relationship. Your relationship is the client!
My approach is based on decades of teaching and counseling at the Elementary, High School, and University levels.
I am very influenced by my training as a Couples Counselor with the Relational Life Institute started by Terry Real, and as a Smart Recovery Facilitator. These programs are evidence based and draw on techniques from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT; Relational Emotive Behavior (REBT); and Motivational Enhancement Therapy (MET).
What a session together looks like
Our time together will not primarily be spent sitting around, having open ended discussions about your relationship problems, which you think are primarily caused by the other person.
We will agree that both of you have contributed to where you are today, and that neither of you can change the other person. We will learn together that complaining about your partner is a terrible behavior modification program. We will learn that you can only change yourself through taking responsibility for your own behavior and learning new skills and practicing them.
We will talk about some of each of your pasts and what you learned in the past, your Adaptive Child.
Our main focus will be on each of your present realities.
We will learn that loving relationships can only happen between equals, and that being vulnerable is quite scary, but a necessary requirement for intimacy.
I will push both of you to be more expressive and in touch with your current desires and feelings.
I will encourage each of you to have more enjoyment, to touch each other more, and, in general, to be much more relational in all aspects of your lives.
Motivation
As someone who has taught teachers for a decade, I will sometimes reference the teacher who says, “ I had a great lesson plan, the students just didn’t get it” . My response is always, “Then it wasn’t a good lesson plan for that group of students or maybe you need to think more about how to motivate the students”
Part of my job is to motivate both of you to want to learn new ways to enrich your relationship. I understand that there is no one strategy that fits all couples, so we will work together to figure out the strategies that work for the two of you, in particular.
Cost
About 12 years ago, I had a relational problem that I couldn’t solve myself. So I went to a high priced ($200 a visit back then, and he didn’t take insurance) expert. He was very effective and helped me and my partner solve our problem. But each time I counted out the 10 twenty dollar bills I gave him I thought, ” How can a man or woman with modest income ever get help?” I promised myself I would be part of the solution. So while my immediate goal is to improve your relationships, I also have an overarching goal of being an alternative to high priced, individual therapy.
The cost of Talking for a Change is a sliding scale of $30 to $60 for a full 60-minute hour.
Getting Started
Please send me an email, with your cell number, to jamesfinger99@gmail.com
I’ll email you back, and we will figure out a time to talk on the phone.
After talking, I will ask each of you to send a description of your relationship and what you would like to get from our meetings. Then we can schedule an introductory meeting.
After our initial meeting, if we mutually decide to go forward, we can discuss quite reasonable, sliding scale fees, and a time and place for our next meeting.
Zoom sessions are possible, but in-person sessions have been shown to be more effective.